“Kick Me” sign on my back?

Posted on Sep 2, 2011 in Personal Reflection | 9 comments

Years ago when I was running the furniture bank, I recruited a lovely man by the name of Ron Smith (in picture on far left) to be my warehouse manager.  Ron is six foot four and ex-military.  He likes things nice and orderly and is one of the hardest working people I had ever met.  He is a graduate of The Healing Place, a residential recovery program for homeless men recovering from addiction.  I figured he would be the perfect person to direct our warehouse team that was made up largely of men from The Healing Place.

A few weeks into his new role as a leader, Ron came to me and said, “Being a leader feels like someone stuck a “kick me” sign on my back.  I try to do my job and no matter what I do someone gets upset with me. I don’t want to be the leader.  I just want to work in the warehouse.”

Six months into his role as our Associate Director, Joe Torrence, said to me, “Wendy, I think I want to write a book.  The title of that book would be “Being a Leader Sucks!””  Are you seeing a thread here?

All my life, I thought being a leader was a good thing.  Something to work toward, strive for.  I used to think simply going to work, getting a pay check, and going home would be drudgery.  I thought I wanted to build something – to invest all my being into something.  So that is what I have done for most of my adult life.  However, today I think the idea of someone else worrying about staff management, budgets, strategic plans, fundraising and program design sounds like a pretty good idea.  The thought of getting a pay check and never having to worry about where that money came from or if there will be enough next month would be an amazing feeling.

Today was one of those days when as a leader, I felt like I had a “kick me” sign on my back.  If I were not afraid of the back lash from my more conservative readers, I would title this blog post “Being a Leader Sucks!”   Whereas Ron and Joe felt the agony of trying to manage people who did not want to be managed, I feel the conflict between what needs to be done at Embrace Richmond in order to raise money and what needs to be done to live out our mission of transforming communities.  There simply is not enough time, people or money to do it all.  To please one group, I end up upsetting another.   Given the current desire to cut funding to programs that serve the poor, I think things could get worse before they get better.

I know many of you are not going to like this post. You want me to remain positive – keep the faith.  Sorry to disappoint you. This week I read a post titled Confessions of a Failing Radical: Challenges of Walking the Way by Matt Anslow, which appeared on the Red Letter Christian’s website.  Anslow wrote:

The truth is that what I really want to hear from these people is a message about failure, and losing hope. I want to hear a message entitled “The things that have gone wrong”, or “The things I have messed up”, or even “When I don’t feel like giving a shit anymore.”

So, I decided to give Anslow what he asked for.  His words resonated with me because I often feel like I am the only Christian leader who struggles.  That I am the only one who doubts their ability to lead.  I feel like by publically admitting I am a broken, limited human being, that somehow people will lose confidence in me.  So I have tried to put on my happy face and only share the good side of my experience as a Christian leader.

My husband and I had a very interesting conversation this weekend about an article that he read that pointed to the rise in depression among people who engage heavily in social media.  The point of the study was that people who participate in online communities often only share the good and keep their short comings, failures and disappointments to themselves.  We are all so worried about what people will think that we put on a good face.  This façade gives us all the false impression that everyone else’s life is perfect and that we are the only ones with issues which leads to depression.  I think this is especially true of Christian leaders.  We are naturally positive hopeful people and we know that people support successful thriving organizations, so we try to always position ourselves in that light.

I realized after reading Anslow’s post that I desire the same thing he does.   While I don’t desire that others suffer, I do want to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  I also realized I can’t expect from others what I am not willing to do myself.  So here is the truth about “what is not working”.

I often feel like I am in over my head.

I am a lousy manager of people and not very pastoral.

I often get frustrated with the slow rate of change in our community.

I am anxious about what will happen in Washington and how it will impact our funding.

I do need help even though I don’t want to admit it.

I wonder if all the sacrifice me and my family have made is worth it.

I am not some superhuman who never gets tired, irritated and ready to quit.

I do dream of getting a “real” job with a “real” pay check.

I do get very lonely.

I do feel inadequate at times.

I do crave more security.

So there you have it – the truth about my challenges and fears.

I learned a lot from my friend Ron over the years.  I talked Ron into staying on as our warehouse team leader and he now works full-time in the furniture bank still managing people who do not want to be managed.  Charles told me the reason Ron is so good at his job is because he stopped caring what other people think of him.   I think most of my fear and anxiety would go away if I could somehow become more like Ron.

Yesterday, if I had a boss, I would have done what Ron did and I would have tried to quit.  Thankfully today was a better day and I am still here.  I am thankful that the good days far out number the bad.  However, I have to confess that the simple act of writing this post yesterday and thinking about Ron is what helped me gain a new perspective on my challenges today.  Just the thought of someone being present with me in my misery helped me.

So here is my prayer request.  Don’t pray I become a better leader, or that I never have a sucky day.  As my friend Joe said, being a leader sometimes sucks, it’s just part of it.  Pray instead that I can embrace the leader God made me to be…imperfections and all.  Pray as Christians that we learn to be real, to be honest and create a culture that does not judge or belittle those who are honest about the challenges of life.  A culture where we don’t have to have a short one liner or bible verse designed to snap people back in line.  Pray also for more Ron’s in the world who are willing to wear the “kick me” sign on their backs but who keep on leading even when they want to quit.