Confessions of a Lousy Neighbor

Posted on Jun 25, 2011 in Personal Reflection | 0 comments

I have been reflecting a lot upon the idea of growing a community of great neighbors. I am encouraging our Hillside friends to get to know their neighbors and learn about their hopes and dreams for their neighborhood.  One-by-one we are seeing our friends in Hillside gain confidence and begin to reach out to the people who live closest to them.  It is a beautiful sight to see!

However, I am sitting tonight on my back patio and I have to confess, I have no clue who my neighbors to the right are.  They have lived here longer than us, I see them drive in and drive out and I think I talked to them once a few years back, but I don’t have a clue what their names are.

Across the street two new families moved in.  One of them is a young couple who is very social.  Last night my daughter told me that they had invited us to a Memorial Day party but I never saw the invitation.  My daughter said, “I know how anti-social you and dad are so I did not think you would want to go.”  Ouch…that hurt!

When we first moved to Richmond, I was the community organizer in my neighborhood.  I started a women’s ministry that grew from one small group of seven to over ten small groups of more than 70 women.  I also started a small group ministry for girls and at one point had more than 40 girls involved in missional small groups.  I made a point of meeting all the new people who moved in, I hosted community gatherings, I loved having Caitlin’s friends hang out at our house.

So, what happened?  It is really hard for me to describe.  I slowly began to feel like an outsider in my own community.  As I came face to face with homelessness, addiction and extreme poverty, my privileged suburban lifestyle stopped making sense.  The more time I spent with those who are materially poor the more difficult I found to spend time with those who are materially wealthy.  I literally found it painful to listen to someone describe the new  mega home they were building while at the same time watching families be evicted because they lacked the $100 they needed for their rent.  The only way I could find to ease the discomfort was to isolate myself from the affluent culture that surrounds me.

I have wanted to move into the city for the past five years but have stayed because I want my children to get a quality education.  Woodlake is a beautiful place full of wonderful people. It is a terrific place to raise a family with many opportunities to engage and meet my neighbors. The problem is that my heart and mission is in the city. I am no longer vested in this community.  I am counting down the years until my girls are all out of school so Chris and I can move into the city.

I remember reading John Perkins book Beyond Charity for the first time and being exposed to the Christian Community Development Association’s emphasis on “relocation” into impoverished communities as one of the core principals of community development.  I set out to prove John Perkins wrong.  I really wanted to believe that I could be just as effective from Woodlake as I could from within the city.  I was wrong.  Instead, I have become ineffective in my own neighborhood and less effective in the city.  I feel trapped between two worlds with no real residency in either.

Two weeks ago, Jay Van Groningen used the words “communities of exclusion” to describe both government subsidized housing complexes such as Hillside Court and wealthy communities such as Woodlake.  I could never live in Hilliside because my husband makes too much money.  My Hillside friends could never live in my neighborhood because they do not make enough money.  I never really thought about the barriers that keep me trapped in my world – in my case school systems.

I have been praying about how to be a better neighbor where I am planted.  It is very easy for me to judge my wealthy neighbors.  I have created a stereotype in my head of materialistic, uncaring, self-absorbed people.  This stereotype allows me to isolate myself.   I am doing exactly what many of my friends in Hillside do.  They judge all their neighbors as dangerous, uncaring and selfish and isolate themselves for protection. However, I know their stereotypes are inaccurate. I have met their neighbors and many are kind, loving and generous.

The Manasco family is my neighbor to the left.  They throw a wrench in my whole judgment scheme.  They are kind, loving and generous.  When Jay asked us to think of a great neighbor, I thought of Mark Manasco.  He not only takes good care of his own property but he looks out for ours. He is kind to my children and when we have suffered tragedies over the years, Mark and his family have always reached out to us with such compassion and love.  He always smiles, talks to me, or waves when he sees me.  He is truly a great neighbor.

Last night I spent time on the phone with a woman by the name of Susan Russell.  I was introduced to  Susan by a neighbor.  Susan is your typical suburbanite.  However, she is as passionate about social justice as I am.  She is also one of the most interesting and well educated people I have ever met on the topic of justice.  I spent more than an hour dreaming with Susan about what this world might look like if those who were kind, loving and generous who reside in my community met those who were kind, loving and generous in under-resourced communities.  We both felt strongly that this coming together would transform our city.

Dreaming with Susan was such a gift to me and I think she would say the same thing.  I have often seen my work in the city as a world apart from the community where I live.  Susan and Mark reminded me this week that these two worlds belong together.  They broke apart my stereotypes and made me long to get to know my neighbors.   They also helped me see that some of my neighbors would view my connection to the city and my work as a gift and not a threat to their privileged lifestyle.   I wonder what it would look like to open up my home and invite those who live in my neighborhood to dream together about how we can make Metro Richmond a kinder, more loving and generous place?

I think I might just have to start talking to my neighbors and find out!